If you’ve been following along with these newsletters, you’ll know that I initially set the foundation for the 6 P’s by taking you through the Bodies for Birth methodology at each stage.
This next lap around the 6 P’s is going to take an intimate turn as I vulnerably share some of my own experiences at each phase and how the experiences have translated into the work we do at Bodies for Birth.
Preconception was my first introduction to the vulnerability of parenthood. I found myself not yet a parent, but aching each month for a positive pregnancy test, wistfully admiring all the pregnant bellies that seemed to surround me.
Eleven years ago this Spring, I received my first positive pregnancy test after a full year of trying to conceive. One year of charting temperatures, of fertility acupuncture and herbs, of planning, of un-planning, of exercising to promote conception, then exercising (but not too much) to reduce stress, then exercising to relieve the grief of another unsuccessful month. One year of hope poured into each and every supplement filled fertility smoothie I religiously drank each day.
And while painful, with hindsight, experience and perspective, I can recognize that every moment of that struggle was worth the wait.
As author Megan Smalley writes, “There is purpose in your season of waiting.”
But, oooh. The waiting.
Life was full with chasing our toddler, Will, and with building Bodies for Birth by the time we were ready to add to our family once again. And, while it didn’t take quite as long to conceive, sadly pregnancy number two ended in a miscarriage.
I remember being at work with the knowledge that I was miscarrying. Simultaneously, I felt my heart swell with the most tremendous joy for my pregnant community and with a deep ache for my own loss. I grieved privately for the most part and tucked the experience deep within my heart.
As part of the healing journey, once we were ready, we continued to try. And try. And try.
For two and half more years, for three years in total, we tried.
During this time, though not confirmed, I believe I experienced several very early losses. What I can confirm with certainty, is the heartache that resurfaced month after month.
I felt like a failure. I was demoralized and confused as my body physically ached with the desire for another child. I threw myself into the work I loved so dearly, I grew and grew and grew Bodies for Birth. And while I was not physically pregnant with a child, I gave life to the community we have today and for this, I am forever grateful.
Following many long, tearful conversations, we fully and joyfully came to terms with the idea of being a family of three. We were so grateful for our one healthy child and while we wanted a sibling for Will, we felt it was time to let go of the struggle. There was a real peace that washed over us at this time.
It was the Summer of 2018, and we decided that we would try one round of IUI as a final attempt. If the IUI was unsuccessful, we would no longer try for baby two. This was it. The decision felt right and we knew that soon the struggle would be over…with or without a successful pregnancy.
So, we filled out the paperwork, went to the appointments, we scheduled the meds to be delivered. We hoped, again.
And then, on a Saturday morning, the week before I was to start the fertility medications, I went to the Bodies for Birth studio in Phinney Ridge as usual, prepared for a full day of classes and training sessions.
Part of my ritual prior to teaching, was to go for a jog. I headed out the door on my usual route and within ten steps, I noticed an odd tugging sensation in my lower abdomen. Being a firm believer in listening to my body, I decided it was a walking-kind-of-day. Still, I attributed the sensation to the start of my period.
By the afternoon, I was overcome with exhaustion. It was only then, that I started to become suspicious.
But…we had been trying unsuccessfully for so long. I knew better than to get my hopes up. After taking pregnancy tests month after month without success, I had lost the optimism and even the the anxiety while waiting for a result. It had all become completely routine.
So, I casually went to the bathroom to take a test when I returned home. I just as casually glanced at the test while I was washing my hands and nearly fainted in disbelief when I saw the positive test! It simply couldn’t be.
It took days for the news to really sink in, and on the following Tuesday, while standing in the Costco parking lot with my sister, I got the results from bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy (the day before my fertility meds were due to arrive)!!
We welcomed Johnny into the world on May 7, 2019 and he was worth every single moment of struggle and waiting.
I’ve learned that in the end, try as we might, we simply can’t control these things. There’s no real planning, no roadmap, no one right way forward, no secret prescription.
Through my fertility journeys, I have gained compassion, strength, resilience and faith.
I believe in things I cannot see and things I may not understand.
I believe in intuition, in having hard conversations and in support.
I hope that through sharing our stories, we may find resources, friendships and the light we need to carry us through–wherever we are on our journey.
And I bring these beliefs and experiences into the work we do at Bodies for Birth.
I hope that over the next five weeks as I take you through my own personal experiences, you will find support, inspiration and resonance. Thank you for being a part of my journey and for allowing me to be a part of yours.