I will admit it. I was one of those pregnant women who didn’t waste any time planning for all things related to baby. Right away, I chose a theme for the nursery, scoured Craigslist for rocking chairs, bookshelves, Peter Rabbit rugs and curtains. The nursery items were just the beginning. Ā The list was long–baby registry, birth classes, birth plan, pregnancy journal, daily/weekly/monthly “bump” photos, doula search, birthing gown, hospital bag, postpartum meal preparation…
How could anyone possibly be expected to keep a job when there were so many pregnancy related tasks at every turn?!
Week after dizzying week, we checked off the to-dos.
The days were full–rearranging furniture, steam cleaning carpets, washing and folding impossibly small onesies, pleading with the cats to stop sleeping on the freshly washed receiving blankets, deliberating over the perfect crib, car seat, bath tub, washcloths, diaper cream, hypoallergenic lotion and detergent. Ā And the ultimate of decisions, cloth or disposable diapers? Ā The research that went into that decision alone took up the better part of a month. Ā I used literally ONE cloth diaper before requesting my first and final diaper pick-up!
In this busy, yet peaceful, anticipatory time I envisioned what my life as a new mother would be like…hair swept back into a loose ponytail, flushed cheeks from my natural mommy glow, dressed in a white, motherly-yet-still-sexy-nightgown peacefully rocking baby in the wee hours of the morning, journaling in the baby book while he sleeps. Ā Feels a bit like a made-for-tv movie…”girl crack” as my husband would say. Ā And “girl crack” it was! Ā Not at all based in reality…and that was okay.
Precious baby Will arrived and filled my heart with an all consuming love that made me want to swallow his feet whole, to nibble on his ears and kiss every pink, wrinkly fold of his soft skin. Ā I was in a delirious haze of love, sleep deprivation and overwhelm…for a long time. Ā Our darling son slept strictly on my chest for the first four months while I sat up in bed (dressed in an oversized t-shirt and my husband’s flannel pajama pants with unwashed hair in a tangled bun) and alternated between crying the happiest tears I’ve ever known and making my way through several Netfilx series. Ā The co-sleeper that we imagined a swaddled sleeping baby would occupy, was instead my new luxury nightstand–it housed extra blankets, diapers and onesies, nursing pillows, energy bars, water bottles, nipple cream, baby sleep books and phone chargers. Ā I seriously wondered how I had ever settled for anything less than this expansive construct at my bedside.
This was just the beginning of the unraveling of our unrealistic expectations and foiled plans! In the past 14 months, we have rearranged our small house to accommodate our quickly changing little one at least five times. Ā In one configuration, it felt as if every room but the kitchen was a nursery–the walls of our bedroom were clad with Peter Rabbit prints while our living room became the official nursery–crib, changing table, toys, mobiles. Ā Not the most ideal space for entertaining, but spacious and just right for a baby practicing walking and exploring!
As a woman who has always derived immense satisfaction from completed check boxes (yes, I would add previously completed tasks to the list, just for another check) I am learning to let go, to live in the moment and to be realistic about which check boxes are actually essential (not many). Ā These days, when I find myself daydreaming about what life will look like when Will has a sibling or two, my made-for-tv-movie is now infused with a bit of National Geographic, a hint of the Brady Bunch and a whole lot of The Griswolds. Ā Completely based in reality–harder, more rewarding and more surprising than I ever could have imagined.
Motherhood.