Sweet Margaux Grace was born on March 28, 2017. My journey to becoming a mom is an unconventional one, wrought with much heartache and ultimate joy. I would be pregnant and give birth a thousand times if I could.
Finding out in my 20’s that I was in ovarian failure was a blow to the vision I had for my life. I wanted a big wedding and five children. I imagined starting a family with my husband and the excitement of pregnancy, telling our families we were pregnant, and giving my children brothers and sisters. As the youngest of four children I begged my parents for younger siblings. After a lot of prayer, soul searching, and tough conversations with my family and friends, I started on the journey to become a Single Mom by Choice. A lot of blood work, ultrasounds, and medication later, I became pregnant with Finn. Sadly, with Maura by my side, I delivered Finn at 20 weeks due to an incompetent cervix in December 2015.
Knowing that I had a team I trusted and who cared deeply for me, I went through another successful round of infertility treatments and became pregnant again in July 2016. My OB and I decided the gender would be a surprise. She knew and kept a pretty incredible poker face! I had a double cerclage, stitches to prevent my cervix from dilating, at 12 weeks and weekly Makena injections starting at 16 weeks.
Every week was a victory. Every day was a triumph. I made it to 24 weeks, then 28 weeks and I knew I WAS going to bring home a baby.
On March 28, at 36w5d my OB was on call, and we kept that as our target date for cerclage removal. I went to my appointment that morning with my bags packed, not sleeping a wink the nights before, and ready to meet my baby. The stitches were removed and I was already dilated 4cm, having ripped through one cerclage, and once I was sent down to L&D and hooked up to the monitors, I was contracting every 2-3 minutes.
I had the sweetest nurse who knew my story and had been handpicked for the day. Maura and my brothers had made a playlist called Muffin Music, which played my entire l
abor. My mom set up the electric votive candles Maura sent along with all of the other treats she made for my labor and delivery. I walked the halls with my mom and joked what a breeze it was. I was unable to exercise during my pregnancy and wanted to sprint in the halls and use the handrails to do barre now that my cerclage was out and I had a healthy baby!
My wonderful birth photographer arrived and fit right into the room. I had never met her, yet it felt like I had known her all my life.
A low dose of pitocin was given and my water broke around lunchtime. I was definitely feeling the contractions then and was about 6cm dilated. I had spent a lot of hours sitting on an exercise ball at home during pregnancy when my back was bothering me, so I knew that would be helpful in labor and bounced/rolled on it for much of the day. I had taken an Unmedicated Childbirth class and the one piece of advice I remembered that helped was not to tense my hands. If my hands stayed relaxed, everything else would too. When I wasn’t sitting on the ball I was swaying, watching the monitors, through each contraction.
I remember transition very well. Maura was on FaceTime and I went from being able to talk and grimace through contractions to not being able to tolerate any noise.
When my OB came back to check me at around 4pm, I knew I had to be complete or very close. Getting into the bed and seeing the room prepare for delivery was such a pivotal moment for me. I remember my parents standing on each side of the bed holding my hands, talking to me, and thinking how remarkable it was to have them present.
I wouldn’t start pushing until my OB was back in the room. I pushed for about 90 minutes. When I hear songs from the playlist it immediately brings me back to exactly where I was in my labor. Red Red Wine was playing and I looked at my OB and told her I couldn’t do it and she told me when I felt like giving up was when I was getting close. As each contraction came I was more and more exhausted and I kept thinking “I can’t even take a nap after this! I’m done sleeping for a longgggg time!” and wanted to take a break from pushing, but with each contraction, I got the energy again.
One final push and my ob, who knew the baby was a girl and named after her, handed me my baby and said, “Here’s your daughter, Margaux!”
It was the most intense feeling of love, accomplishment, wholeness, and peace. Margaux was laid on my chest and the locket that holds Finn’s ashes was stuck to her little forehead. The moment that I kissed her head and held those little fingers, entwined with the chain of Finn’s locket, will forever be the moment I have lived my entire life for and what I was created to do. Be a mom.
